Thursday, May 23, 2013

One Night Long Ago


It has become rampant in the last few weeks of my senior year of college. UGHHH I just don't want to write anymore PAPERS! Really not feeling it anymore. I haven't felt like writing any of these papers in SUCH a long time. So for some reason I feel the need to write this random nonsensical gibberish instead. I guess at the least I am keeping my fingers busy and my mind agile at 1:00am. This actually isn't really a huge deal to me tho, I would say that I actually am most awake at night and it's also when I do my best writing. 

I have had the windows to my bedroom open all day as I have been trying to work, and I have been basking in the glorious fresh air. It's been so nice out the last few days. Now that it has become nighttime there is a cool breeze that has been blowing. As great as a summer day is, I love the smell of the nighttime summer air even more. It has always held some kind of a mysterious refreshing property for me... Perhaps there is some kind of an unnamed nocturnal particulate that I have been breathing all my life that causes euphoria. 

With my eyes closed tightly in the darkness of my room I continue to type without my monitor turned on, without being able to see the keys underneath my fingers (edit: I made a TON of typos from here on out haha). I inhale deep, long breaths, trying to allow as much of the air into my lungs as possible. I then slowly breathe out to the furthest extent possible, pushing all the air from my lungs until it hurts, and then going even further. Only at the point where I know I have nothing left in my lungs do I slowly inhale again. I only complete the exhale portion of this exercise four times, because it is at that point that I know I have removed all the old stale air remaining in my lungs. This air has been replaced with the sweet, cool, relaxing, freshness provided by the night.

Something that I heard while I was in the second grade, I really have no idea if it is true or not and I don't know why it has continued to stay with me this long, is that we only use about 50% of our lung capacity daily. We just use the same 50% of our lungs most of our lives because in all honesty it is difficult to make yourself breathe deeply, and unless you actually try and train yourself to actively do so, it requires a degree of willpower and concentration. It’s better for your body if you use more of your lungs while breathing because it allows greater amounts of oxygen to be absorbed by the brain and into the bloodstream. Anyway, the thing that I remember from second grade was that many people never completely empty their lungs. They live their entire lives with some remnants of the first breath that they ever took as an infant. I never thought about it until now, but perhaps this could be a metaphor about people’s unwillingness to let go… Or maybe it’s an actual fact and I’m just looking for meaning. Haha maybe whatever I heard in the third grade was actually something completely different and my memory throughout the years has completely mangled and distorted whatever it was that I originally heard so many years ago.

While continuing to keep the slow methodical pace of my breathing.... in and out, in and out, in and out... I can begin to start clearing my mind from all the clutter of the day. I imagine myself with a large broom in a library. Within this library, in place of books there are instead disorganized single sheets of paper, some with typed font, some with hurriedly scribbles notes, others with only pictures and no words. These pieces of paper aren’t on the library shelves as books would be, but are instead muttled altogether, littered in multitudes of piles and layered all over the floor which cannot be seen. There is no organization to this mess of papers. They just form heaps against the old wooden bookshelves that stand empty in the library. This is the current state of my mind. I imagine myself taking the broom in my hand and beginning to sweep away the papers. I sweep slowly at first; gently sliding the papers aside I can begin to see a little bit of the marble floor. As I work, I very gradually increase my pace. I begin to move quicker and quicker until I start to sweep so vigorously that papers begin flying in all directions. In one swoop I swiftly brush the pages up into the air from the tip of my broom to watch them hang, suspended at their highest point in the air for only a moment, before I see them cascade in a flourish back down to the ground. I sweep away a spot in the center of my library as I push the pieces of paper outward towards the edges of the room and into even greater piles. The pages bunch up and press together against the bottom of the bookshelves as they create mounds like snow from a snowplow. I become satisfied with the clear space in the middle of the room. I breathe deeply and sit, with my legs crossed, against the cool marble floor. I look around all around me and see the day’s experiences… thoughts, feelings, lessons, emotions, struggles all are piled up around me… With one last glimpse I close my eyes and begin to drift into a state of meditation.

I feel the cool night air against my face. It brushes against my skin and I breathe it in. I realize now that what I smell in the air is adventure. I wish I had born in an earlier time period so that I could have been an explorer. I would have loved to voyage the world in search of new places. It is a shame that by the time I was born there are no new places to explore on this earth. We have mapped, charted, and populated it all. It belongs to us as a species. Someday maybe earth will reclaim itself, wipe us from existence. We are small, fresh, simple things. Earth has been here for so long before us. It will be here after us.

Adventure makes me think of Native Americans. It is a night like tonight that I am an Indian running through the foliage of the dense woods. I see my path through the underbrush by way of the moonbeams shining down. I am hurriedly rushing, but am deftly silent. I contort my body as I slip along the ground, weaving between the trees. It feels as though the moccasins around my feet carrying me, forcing my legs to take long strides and jump over fallen trees. I don’t know why I am running right now. If I am running to or away from something, I just move. Maybe I am running just to run. My physique allows me to keep an unknown, animalistic pace and I come upon a stream running through the woods.

I look up at the moon, shining brightly, surrounded by so many stars. They are pinpricks in the sky, uncountable even though I have spent so many nights laying in the grass outside of my house just staring at them, marveling at them. I hear a car in the distance going down the street, but it is soon overrun again by the sound of crickets continuously chirping the entire night. I fall asleep in the playhouse in my backyard and I listen to their symphony.

I spend most of my summer nights sleeping in my backyard playhouse. Most of the time my dad sleeps out there with me, both of us huddled inside of our excessively loud sleeping bags. Why are sleeping bags so freaking loud! I need to tell my dad how much that meant to me. I didn’t think twice about it back then, I thought that all dads built their sons a treehouse and then hung out with them inside of it – playing cards and telling stories all night. My mom would pretend to fuss that she was never invited, but she knew that it was just for us two. I think my sister and her actually may have spent one night out there, but I can’t really remember. Knowing my sister it probably didn’t go over too well because she was always complaining about the spaces between the floorboards allowing for the possibility of a spider attack. Like a spider would jump on her while she was sleeping and then proceed to crawl inside of her mouth or nose… I mean why would a freaking spider WANT to go inside somebody’s mouth or nose… I guess they aren’t particularly super intelligent but come on… Haha maybe they wanted to build a web inside of her mouth.

Lips. They are so soft. You don’t think about how soft someone’s lips are until they are touching yours, and then its like damn these things are so soft!

My throat hurts a little, not a good sign. Also I am hungry. I can tell because of the painful ache of my stomach that slowly appears after I don’t feed it for an entire day. It is a growing pain, not a biting one or a harsh one, and it can be surprisingly stifled quite easily. I need to take care of that immediately after I am finished with this. Whenever this is finished. Can this be finished?

Adventure returns me to the stream. The wind rushes through the trees and rustles the bushes. The continual chirping of the crickets is eternal. The moonlit water gurgles along and I take a second to bask in the beauty of the moment before I continue on my way. I breathe deep. In one long stride I gracefully bound overtop of the stream and keep running again at full speed. My feet know the way and I gladly let them lead my sprint. I am eager for my destination.

In the moment I listen to my fingers as they clack along my keyboard. They are the tools of an expert typist, deftly moving from key to key in a manner that has been repeated thousands of times. They press firmly against each key and then release. They slide around in a manner that could even be described as artistic. The experience of pressing a key while not viewing what is actually being typed is quite profound. Whatever is being thought about in my mind gets translated into the physical actions of my fingers, which are then used to press a mechanical button on the keyboard, resulting in an electronic display on one’s monitor. But what if you can’t see the monitor? Are the words still being displayed? No matter. My hands are quick and nimble. They are expert tools.

I breathe. I collect my thoughts. Inside of my library I slowly open my eyes and look around me at the pages still scattered about. They still are hopelessly disorganized, but after this brief period of meditation the burden of them seems to be lessened. I have now been seeing this library filled with pages for years. I am slightly comforted by the fact that at least I always know how it is going to appear. I let out an audible sigh. Relief? Perhaps a little. I close my eyes again.

I think about yesterday, I think about last night. I went to a graveyard yesterday and I found it so peaceful. It has been close for so long yet I had never entered until I was invited to by a black cat to explore inside. There were no ghosts, only a weighty feeling of stagnance that pressed on me from all sides. It was continual and quite calming. I sat and watched the sun go down. There was peace and a glorious sunset filled with colors reaching across the entire sky. I sat upon a grassy patch at the top of the hill in the graveyard, only surrounded by monuments on two sides. I looked out at the horizon as it changed colors and I stayed there until it became completely dark and the crickets were chirping as loudly as they are now. I pulled my hood over my head, and I looked up at the stars. I cried. I don’t remember a time where I cried more. I thought about her. At first it was all about her. It was all about her. Then slowly I as if I was waking up from a dream I start to realize many more things to cry about. Leaving. Finished. Nights alone. Times with good friends I would never see again. Times that I could never relive. Times I would miss. Growing up. Sadness as I weap.

I was given a cd by my junior-high girlfriend, a coldplay cd. She loved coldplay, and since she introduced me to it, I did too. We both independently had the same favorite song on the cd – Yellow.

So that’s actually the end. Thinking back I decided that I had wasted enough of my time that night. I wish I had some sort of conclusion to all of this, but I didn't. I’m sorry. I hope you enjoyed the read. 

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Totally Hilarious

So I watched this youtube video and it made me laugh soooo hard!
DO NOT take ANY tips from this video! Everything she says is a BAD IDEA!

Enjoy =)

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Seriously, What IS This...

·       Conversation started Thursday
so you wanna scrap?
·       Today
You know I think if we might have met under different circumstances that we could have been pretty cool with each other... But right now you are playing with fire. I advise you to not provoke me.

You're obviously pretty worked up If you have nothing else to do besides be an ass to old friends. Is that a yea or no?

Your question confirms how clueless you really are about this situation lol

Look dude you're the one who was talkin shit. Why don't you back it up

Sir... In all honesty I was kidding, however I am unafraid of entering any physical altercation with you. Regardless, I can hurt you more with what I could tell you and that's why you shouldn't play with me.
Also... You are a silly for leaving gps tracking on whatever device you are using... Pretty sure I know where you live

So you're not going to answer the question? Just leave her alone man. It's stupid

To answer your question I havent spoken to her since I said goodbye. That is how I plan on keeping it.
However you probably know better than anyone the... hmmm... innate longing? that Shannon can provoke.

Alright man. The offer is still open, since I wouldn't mind squaring up. I think it's funny how you didn't have shit to say when you saw me

Anyway, even if she isn't with me she isn't really in a place to be in a relationship with anyone right now. That girl needs to figure out some things about herself first... Sorry to break it to you.
No I like to think before I act, and I didn't want to hurt her. I chose to spare her some possible embarrassment in the moment and emotional strife in the long-term.

Fortunately she's figured a lot out since I've met her, and you didn't say shit cause you're alotta talk and that's it

Haha ok dude, whatever.
I'm not going to talk anymore, for your own sake. Goodnight

So if you come around you can bring your boys and I'll bring mine and they can watch a good time
·       Today
Bitches always be talkin shit and sayin no when he time comes around


Now that thats over, heres a funny video!

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Maybe Should Have Been Studying...

I’m still kinda in the heat of the moment so I may be a little bit more passionate about what I am saying, but I will try my best to be as unbiased as possible. Ok so here it goes…

I first met this girl at work last summer. She was the hot-chick that everyone wanted to be with, and I am a pretty handsome guy (if I say so myself). She has the prettiest smile, is outgoing and confident, funny, and damn she has one of the nicest asses that I have ever seen in my life. I am however a natural introvert with a little bit of anxiety when it comes to women, so as much as I looked upon her daily I couldn’t ever quite work up the courage to ask her for her number. As we worked together we exchanged sultry glances, and eventually I summed up the nerve to start talking to her a little. We found out that we go to the same college, creating a real spark between us. I am going into my senior year and she is becoming a sophomore. We continue with our little work flirting and at the end of the summer promise that we will meet up once we get back to school.

School begins and around the first or second weekend she texts me about meeting up. Of course I make sure that this happens since I really like this girl. I had the intention of dating her, not just having some kind of college hookup. I hadn’t been in a relationship for over a year, and I really wanted someone who would be there for me and I knew that she would be – not to mention that it was my senior year of college so I really wanted a girlfriend to do fun things with! She didn’t have a boyfriend, I didn’t have a girlfriend, and we were very compatible for each other so it seemed only logical that we would start going out. Anyway, we meet up a little tipsy, we laugh and fool around a little bit, we cuddle and go to sleep. In the morning I take her home and she references meeting up again. I feel amazing. We really connect with each other both emotionally and physically and she seems almost guaranteed to become my girlfriend.

We continue talking and she ends up being sick the next weekend so we can’t hang out again. Then the next week she tells me that she has started to become interested in another guy (who happens to live in her dorm), and that she’s really sorry but she has developed feelings for both of us. Although this is quite frustrating for me considering how much chemistry we have together, I know that it can be natural to have some attraction for multiple people at once. I do my best to help her come to a good decision about who she should be with (me obviously haha) and I try to be as supportive as possible and give her the best advice that I can. I’m not one to give up without a fight and I really like this girl, so I keep in contact with her and try to keep our interactions as light as possible. After a week and a half of trying to decide, she eventually chose incorrectly (the other dude). She was tired of leading us both along, and I always felt that she may have made her decision somewhat hastily. I guess she didn’t feel exactly the same way that I did. When I asked her why she chose him over me it was pretty hard for her to exactly say, although she did say that he didn’t ask her stupid questions like that. From what I remember she seemed to be afraid that I wouldn’t be able to support her emotionally (which omg I would have been there for this girl more than she could have imagined).

So she chose him, and it was decided that it would probably be for the best that we didn’t talk anymore. I tried to be her friend, but let’s be honest – I wanted her to be my girlfriend and the only role I could play was that of the boyfriend. Haha eventually I told her that I was trying to be her friend so that I could convince her to go out with me… that went as horrible as expected and it was the main reason that we decided to stop talking.

The story doesn’t end here folks, in fact it’s just getting started… Well I had fallen for this girl. HARD. I don’t know why or how I got so attached to her so quick, but it happened. She was everything that I felt I had wanted (and I have done enough soul searching – I know what I am looking for in a fulfilling relationship) I was a highly eligible bachelor match for her, and she didn’t really give me any straight reasons for why she didn’t want me… I just didn’t understand. So I got depressed. Very depressed in fact. I am graduating from college with a psychology degree and I can say with a high degree of certainty that I was clinically depressed. I stupidly chose not to talk to anyone about my feelings or what I was going through, and my life started to fall apart bit by bit. I ended up failing two of my classes and I am retaking them this semester. I lost close connections with my friends, I quit my athletic team, and I missed out on a lot of the fun of the first semester of my senior year of high school because of my depression. I don’t want to blame this girl for my depression, because ultimately it was my own doing and my own fault that I was stuck in such a rut, but she was definitely a contributing factor that helped push me overboard.

My second semester I decidedly did not want to follow the same course, and I did my best to mold myself into a semblance of my former self. I set goals for myself and accomplished them. I started to reconnect with my friends. Things got better, and with time I eventually got over her. I would still think about her every once in a while but I knew that it was done, I had no chance, and I told myself that I was better than her – that I could do better than her anyway.

Now here is where the story gets a little crazy. Out of the blue, two weeks ago, I randomly decide to text her. Seriously completely random, I just had thought of her and wanted to be nice and tell her good luck in the final weeks of the semester. She replies back favorably and we start to talk a little bit – kinda like we used to do. Our discussion eventually comes to the weekly block parties that are held at my school, and she asks me if I’m going to be in attendance at the next one. We meet up briefly at the block party that weekend, and she confides in me that she recently broke up with her boyfriend. Not only that, but strangely enough she had made the decision and finally broken up with him only three hours before I texted her. Three hours and then she gets a text from me. Coincidence, luck, fate, or just how the world works… who knows? She sees that as a bit of a sign that she should give me another shot. YES!

So we meet up later that night and I am straightforward and tell her about how much pain she caused me last time even though I am sure that that wasn’t what she intended. I let her know that I don’t blame her at all for it, and that I would be willing to try again. So we end up fooling around a bit, she sleeps over, and we make plans to hang out later that week. We talk more and meet up later that week as planned. She confides in me that she is still talking to her ex a little, but has no intention of getting back together with him. I’m fine with this, as talking after a breakup is healthy and should be done. She also says that she isn’t really looking to get into a relationship with someone else right away, and that she needs a little bit of time to think over some things. I am fine with this as well; especially after a breakup it is really important for a person to take a little bit of time to regain their bearings and figure out what they need moving forward. So I know that she isn’t really looking for a relationship right away, but then she comes over to my place and we fool around and we treat each other as if we were in a relationship.

I want to interject into the story here and say that physically this girl and I connect in a way that I had never experienced before. We fit together perfectly, we kiss the same way, and when we cuddle everything feels… perfect. We have both been in a few relationships before, but we both commented that when we are nestled up against each other it’s better than anything else, it’s just simply right. There is complete calm and it just feels. So. Perfect. I feel whole.

Ok so the week goes on, we talk increasingly more, joke around, share stories, likes and dislikes, and looking back now I guess somewhere along the lines I start to forget that she doesn’t really want a boyfriend. Perhaps maybe it wasn’t that I forgot, but instead I chose not to listen – because underneath it all I wanted her to be my girlfriend and I wanted her to see me as her boyfriend. At this point I didn’t really realize what I was doing, I just wanted to make her happy and be as supportive to her as I could – just like I always wanted to do. She seems very happy and appreciative of me.

Now last night happens. We meet up as planned and come back to my place. We talk a little about what happened in our respective nights and eventually retire to bed. A lot of subtle things happened and I don’t know if anything might have contributed to what eventually happened later or not. First, I told her that I would probably not be returning to the main branch of our college next year. Since I failed those two classes it means that I need to retake a few classes for general credit hours, and up until that point I didn’t know how I was going to do this, but it turns out is much more affordably done if I just complete them at a local college and then transfer the credits. This means that I won’t be with her for the first half of next year (although there was really only a slim chance of that happening anyway). Secondly, it was pretty late and she said that she was tired, but when I started kissing her she reacted positively with her body and would continue to want more, but then she would go back to saying she was a little sleepy. I know she was kind of conflicted about what she wanted, but I wasn’t really that tired and I just love kissing her so much… I couldn’t help myself. Finally she also commented about perhaps being slightly sick, which was somewhat evident by a small cough and scratchy throat. Anyway we ended up fooling around a little bit even though it was really late, and we fell asleep cuddling and holding hands. She whispered to me how good and safe she felt. Lying there with her in my arms made me really realize how perfectly we fit with one another, I felt that we really connected not only physically but also emotionally and spiritually. I’m telling you, something about this girl… she’s just always seemed like the right one for me… We fall asleep in each other’s arms.

The alarm goes off this morning because she has to attend brunch with her friends, we both wake up and kiss a little, I offer to drive her to wherever she wants to go and she declines. I ask her a few more times to make sure and she says that she wants to walk this morning – she just feels like walking, and I could kinda tell that something might be a little off but I didn’t say anything. My consciousness dozed but I remember seeing her cute round butt in her sexy lace panties as she walked through the doorway to the bathroom. So perfect. She kissed me goodbye and left.

Later today I send her the customary text about how much I enjoyed spending time with her last night, and that I am really glad she decided to sleep over, and I told her that I really felt that our bodies seemed to fit perfectly together when I was holding her, that it’s never quite felt like that before. She responded by telling me that she wasn’t really feeling it tonight or this morning, and that something is up with her… and it wasn’t fair to get anyone else involved right now. This pretty much blindsides me. I thought that we were doing really well and that she was quite content with me, so to be hearing this – especially after the text I just sent her really takes me by surprise. She goes on to essentially say that she’s not ready to get involved with anyone and that I deserve someone who wants me as much as I want them. I let her know how confused I am, especially since we seemed so happy together and then overnight she completely flipped and decided that she couldn’t do it anymore. She says that she feels emotionally overwhelmed and came to me because we were good together, but also because she was kinda scared of being alone. I agree with her, that she has gone through a lot lately, and tell her that that is why I tried to be as strong and caring for her as possible while she was struggling. At this point I begin to come to by senses and see that she just needed time alone, just like she told me at the beginning – to think things through and decide what she wants now. So I agree with her, and tell her that I think it would be a good idea for her to be alone for a while… that she should take some time if she needs it – that I’ve waited long enough, I can wait a little longer. Of course when I say this I don’t mean that I will only wait for her and close off opportunities for other relationship partners, just that I want to be supportive of her decision to take however long she needs to collect her thoughts, and that if I am available whenever she happens to decide she no longer wants to be single – that she should let me know.

So I ask her flat out – what caused this sudden change? I still didn’t really understand. She told me that she knew that she wanted to be technically single, but was still was willing to date a little. We just that we got really serious really quickly and that isn’t what she wanted. I told her that she just should have told me to back down a little! To remind me that she didn’t want anything too serious but still wanted to spend time with me. It was at this point that I really started to regain my bearings of time. We had only been talking to each other again for like a period of two weeks. I got so caught up in the heat of the moment that I didn’t even realize this, I don’t know hoe, but I didn’t think about it at all. Hindsight is 20/20, but I now see that I probably overburdened the poor girl with my attempts of being a suitable boyfriend when she didn’t even want a boyfriend from the beginning.

I don’t know why I didn’t listen, or overlooked this fact. Perhaps I thought that I could make her see that I was what she wanted all along. I really couldn’t believe that it had only been two weeks… those two weeks were honestly such bliss that it felt like a month. I know that I probably came on a little too strong, but I feel that that doesn’t change the fact that we feel so happy and content when we are together.

This girl has quite a lot of empathy for others, she feels deeply for everyone, and has apologized profusely for hurting my feelings and doing this to me. This time around the pain really isn’t as horrendous as before, and I have told her this… I feel that because of her great empathy however, she may weigh too heavily on the emotions of others when making some her decisions. She doesn’t want to upset anyone. I tell her that she shouldn’t expect to go through life looking as pretty as she is without upsetting someone, it just… happens. She needs to know that she’s going to hurt people, its unfortunate but true.

So now what? I called her to talk and explained to her much of what I’ve already described here… that she didn’t hurt my feelings and that the whole thing was just more unexpected than anything. I see now that we wanted different things from this relationship and I realize now that I went overboard because I guess underneath it all I wanted her to be my girlfriend while she just wanted someone to be with and comfort her. I apologized profusely and told her that I will respect her need for isolation if that is what she really wants… which unfortunately it is.

Now here I am. I know what I should do and I know what I want to do.

I want to respect her decision to be alone; I know that this is what she needs. She should take the time to figure out what she wants in a relationship, that’s really what she wanted all along and it’s why she broke up with her boyfriend in the first place. People can’t know what they want from someone else until they know what they want from themselves. I want to think that if the time comes where she is ready to be in a relationship again that I would be there for her. But realistically who has any idea how long that’s going to take her. And whenever she figures out whatever she needs to figure out, will she come to me? Due to my graduating from college we are going to be in the same city over the summer, but then after that she will move away, so that would make it even harder for us to be in a relationship. But this girl is special. She is different. She means a lot to me, and I do not want to lose her again. I don’t know if she realizes or appreciates just what I would do for her.

What do I want to do? I want to somehow convince her that what she needed all along was me. I want to help her through whatever relationship issues that she might have so that we can be together and use the time that we will have this summer to its fullest extent. But I guess what I really want is for her to be just be happy. That might be the hardest part of it all. We both have so much for each other… I am certain that we can make each other happy; I just don’t know what to do. I really want to go back to the beginning again, have a restart of this second time – a second chance. I would be there when she wants me, to comfort and hold and listen to her, but I wouldn’t be over burdensome with my attempts at having her become my girlfriend… that was so silly… I’m slightly disgusted at myself now; I can’t believe I messed up such a chance because I was too overzealous.