Sunday, April 28, 2013

Maybe Should Have Been Studying...

I’m still kinda in the heat of the moment so I may be a little bit more passionate about what I am saying, but I will try my best to be as unbiased as possible. Ok so here it goes…

I first met this girl at work last summer. She was the hot-chick that everyone wanted to be with, and I am a pretty handsome guy (if I say so myself). She has the prettiest smile, is outgoing and confident, funny, and damn she has one of the nicest asses that I have ever seen in my life. I am however a natural introvert with a little bit of anxiety when it comes to women, so as much as I looked upon her daily I couldn’t ever quite work up the courage to ask her for her number. As we worked together we exchanged sultry glances, and eventually I summed up the nerve to start talking to her a little. We found out that we go to the same college, creating a real spark between us. I am going into my senior year and she is becoming a sophomore. We continue with our little work flirting and at the end of the summer promise that we will meet up once we get back to school.

School begins and around the first or second weekend she texts me about meeting up. Of course I make sure that this happens since I really like this girl. I had the intention of dating her, not just having some kind of college hookup. I hadn’t been in a relationship for over a year, and I really wanted someone who would be there for me and I knew that she would be – not to mention that it was my senior year of college so I really wanted a girlfriend to do fun things with! She didn’t have a boyfriend, I didn’t have a girlfriend, and we were very compatible for each other so it seemed only logical that we would start going out. Anyway, we meet up a little tipsy, we laugh and fool around a little bit, we cuddle and go to sleep. In the morning I take her home and she references meeting up again. I feel amazing. We really connect with each other both emotionally and physically and she seems almost guaranteed to become my girlfriend.

We continue talking and she ends up being sick the next weekend so we can’t hang out again. Then the next week she tells me that she has started to become interested in another guy (who happens to live in her dorm), and that she’s really sorry but she has developed feelings for both of us. Although this is quite frustrating for me considering how much chemistry we have together, I know that it can be natural to have some attraction for multiple people at once. I do my best to help her come to a good decision about who she should be with (me obviously haha) and I try to be as supportive as possible and give her the best advice that I can. I’m not one to give up without a fight and I really like this girl, so I keep in contact with her and try to keep our interactions as light as possible. After a week and a half of trying to decide, she eventually chose incorrectly (the other dude). She was tired of leading us both along, and I always felt that she may have made her decision somewhat hastily. I guess she didn’t feel exactly the same way that I did. When I asked her why she chose him over me it was pretty hard for her to exactly say, although she did say that he didn’t ask her stupid questions like that. From what I remember she seemed to be afraid that I wouldn’t be able to support her emotionally (which omg I would have been there for this girl more than she could have imagined).

So she chose him, and it was decided that it would probably be for the best that we didn’t talk anymore. I tried to be her friend, but let’s be honest – I wanted her to be my girlfriend and the only role I could play was that of the boyfriend. Haha eventually I told her that I was trying to be her friend so that I could convince her to go out with me… that went as horrible as expected and it was the main reason that we decided to stop talking.

The story doesn’t end here folks, in fact it’s just getting started… Well I had fallen for this girl. HARD. I don’t know why or how I got so attached to her so quick, but it happened. She was everything that I felt I had wanted (and I have done enough soul searching – I know what I am looking for in a fulfilling relationship) I was a highly eligible bachelor match for her, and she didn’t really give me any straight reasons for why she didn’t want me… I just didn’t understand. So I got depressed. Very depressed in fact. I am graduating from college with a psychology degree and I can say with a high degree of certainty that I was clinically depressed. I stupidly chose not to talk to anyone about my feelings or what I was going through, and my life started to fall apart bit by bit. I ended up failing two of my classes and I am retaking them this semester. I lost close connections with my friends, I quit my athletic team, and I missed out on a lot of the fun of the first semester of my senior year of high school because of my depression. I don’t want to blame this girl for my depression, because ultimately it was my own doing and my own fault that I was stuck in such a rut, but she was definitely a contributing factor that helped push me overboard.

My second semester I decidedly did not want to follow the same course, and I did my best to mold myself into a semblance of my former self. I set goals for myself and accomplished them. I started to reconnect with my friends. Things got better, and with time I eventually got over her. I would still think about her every once in a while but I knew that it was done, I had no chance, and I told myself that I was better than her – that I could do better than her anyway.

Now here is where the story gets a little crazy. Out of the blue, two weeks ago, I randomly decide to text her. Seriously completely random, I just had thought of her and wanted to be nice and tell her good luck in the final weeks of the semester. She replies back favorably and we start to talk a little bit – kinda like we used to do. Our discussion eventually comes to the weekly block parties that are held at my school, and she asks me if I’m going to be in attendance at the next one. We meet up briefly at the block party that weekend, and she confides in me that she recently broke up with her boyfriend. Not only that, but strangely enough she had made the decision and finally broken up with him only three hours before I texted her. Three hours and then she gets a text from me. Coincidence, luck, fate, or just how the world works… who knows? She sees that as a bit of a sign that she should give me another shot. YES!

So we meet up later that night and I am straightforward and tell her about how much pain she caused me last time even though I am sure that that wasn’t what she intended. I let her know that I don’t blame her at all for it, and that I would be willing to try again. So we end up fooling around a bit, she sleeps over, and we make plans to hang out later that week. We talk more and meet up later that week as planned. She confides in me that she is still talking to her ex a little, but has no intention of getting back together with him. I’m fine with this, as talking after a breakup is healthy and should be done. She also says that she isn’t really looking to get into a relationship with someone else right away, and that she needs a little bit of time to think over some things. I am fine with this as well; especially after a breakup it is really important for a person to take a little bit of time to regain their bearings and figure out what they need moving forward. So I know that she isn’t really looking for a relationship right away, but then she comes over to my place and we fool around and we treat each other as if we were in a relationship.

I want to interject into the story here and say that physically this girl and I connect in a way that I had never experienced before. We fit together perfectly, we kiss the same way, and when we cuddle everything feels… perfect. We have both been in a few relationships before, but we both commented that when we are nestled up against each other it’s better than anything else, it’s just simply right. There is complete calm and it just feels. So. Perfect. I feel whole.

Ok so the week goes on, we talk increasingly more, joke around, share stories, likes and dislikes, and looking back now I guess somewhere along the lines I start to forget that she doesn’t really want a boyfriend. Perhaps maybe it wasn’t that I forgot, but instead I chose not to listen – because underneath it all I wanted her to be my girlfriend and I wanted her to see me as her boyfriend. At this point I didn’t really realize what I was doing, I just wanted to make her happy and be as supportive to her as I could – just like I always wanted to do. She seems very happy and appreciative of me.

Now last night happens. We meet up as planned and come back to my place. We talk a little about what happened in our respective nights and eventually retire to bed. A lot of subtle things happened and I don’t know if anything might have contributed to what eventually happened later or not. First, I told her that I would probably not be returning to the main branch of our college next year. Since I failed those two classes it means that I need to retake a few classes for general credit hours, and up until that point I didn’t know how I was going to do this, but it turns out is much more affordably done if I just complete them at a local college and then transfer the credits. This means that I won’t be with her for the first half of next year (although there was really only a slim chance of that happening anyway). Secondly, it was pretty late and she said that she was tired, but when I started kissing her she reacted positively with her body and would continue to want more, but then she would go back to saying she was a little sleepy. I know she was kind of conflicted about what she wanted, but I wasn’t really that tired and I just love kissing her so much… I couldn’t help myself. Finally she also commented about perhaps being slightly sick, which was somewhat evident by a small cough and scratchy throat. Anyway we ended up fooling around a little bit even though it was really late, and we fell asleep cuddling and holding hands. She whispered to me how good and safe she felt. Lying there with her in my arms made me really realize how perfectly we fit with one another, I felt that we really connected not only physically but also emotionally and spiritually. I’m telling you, something about this girl… she’s just always seemed like the right one for me… We fall asleep in each other’s arms.

The alarm goes off this morning because she has to attend brunch with her friends, we both wake up and kiss a little, I offer to drive her to wherever she wants to go and she declines. I ask her a few more times to make sure and she says that she wants to walk this morning – she just feels like walking, and I could kinda tell that something might be a little off but I didn’t say anything. My consciousness dozed but I remember seeing her cute round butt in her sexy lace panties as she walked through the doorway to the bathroom. So perfect. She kissed me goodbye and left.

Later today I send her the customary text about how much I enjoyed spending time with her last night, and that I am really glad she decided to sleep over, and I told her that I really felt that our bodies seemed to fit perfectly together when I was holding her, that it’s never quite felt like that before. She responded by telling me that she wasn’t really feeling it tonight or this morning, and that something is up with her… and it wasn’t fair to get anyone else involved right now. This pretty much blindsides me. I thought that we were doing really well and that she was quite content with me, so to be hearing this – especially after the text I just sent her really takes me by surprise. She goes on to essentially say that she’s not ready to get involved with anyone and that I deserve someone who wants me as much as I want them. I let her know how confused I am, especially since we seemed so happy together and then overnight she completely flipped and decided that she couldn’t do it anymore. She says that she feels emotionally overwhelmed and came to me because we were good together, but also because she was kinda scared of being alone. I agree with her, that she has gone through a lot lately, and tell her that that is why I tried to be as strong and caring for her as possible while she was struggling. At this point I begin to come to by senses and see that she just needed time alone, just like she told me at the beginning – to think things through and decide what she wants now. So I agree with her, and tell her that I think it would be a good idea for her to be alone for a while… that she should take some time if she needs it – that I’ve waited long enough, I can wait a little longer. Of course when I say this I don’t mean that I will only wait for her and close off opportunities for other relationship partners, just that I want to be supportive of her decision to take however long she needs to collect her thoughts, and that if I am available whenever she happens to decide she no longer wants to be single – that she should let me know.

So I ask her flat out – what caused this sudden change? I still didn’t really understand. She told me that she knew that she wanted to be technically single, but was still was willing to date a little. We just that we got really serious really quickly and that isn’t what she wanted. I told her that she just should have told me to back down a little! To remind me that she didn’t want anything too serious but still wanted to spend time with me. It was at this point that I really started to regain my bearings of time. We had only been talking to each other again for like a period of two weeks. I got so caught up in the heat of the moment that I didn’t even realize this, I don’t know hoe, but I didn’t think about it at all. Hindsight is 20/20, but I now see that I probably overburdened the poor girl with my attempts of being a suitable boyfriend when she didn’t even want a boyfriend from the beginning.

I don’t know why I didn’t listen, or overlooked this fact. Perhaps I thought that I could make her see that I was what she wanted all along. I really couldn’t believe that it had only been two weeks… those two weeks were honestly such bliss that it felt like a month. I know that I probably came on a little too strong, but I feel that that doesn’t change the fact that we feel so happy and content when we are together.

This girl has quite a lot of empathy for others, she feels deeply for everyone, and has apologized profusely for hurting my feelings and doing this to me. This time around the pain really isn’t as horrendous as before, and I have told her this… I feel that because of her great empathy however, she may weigh too heavily on the emotions of others when making some her decisions. She doesn’t want to upset anyone. I tell her that she shouldn’t expect to go through life looking as pretty as she is without upsetting someone, it just… happens. She needs to know that she’s going to hurt people, its unfortunate but true.

So now what? I called her to talk and explained to her much of what I’ve already described here… that she didn’t hurt my feelings and that the whole thing was just more unexpected than anything. I see now that we wanted different things from this relationship and I realize now that I went overboard because I guess underneath it all I wanted her to be my girlfriend while she just wanted someone to be with and comfort her. I apologized profusely and told her that I will respect her need for isolation if that is what she really wants… which unfortunately it is.

Now here I am. I know what I should do and I know what I want to do.

I want to respect her decision to be alone; I know that this is what she needs. She should take the time to figure out what she wants in a relationship, that’s really what she wanted all along and it’s why she broke up with her boyfriend in the first place. People can’t know what they want from someone else until they know what they want from themselves. I want to think that if the time comes where she is ready to be in a relationship again that I would be there for her. But realistically who has any idea how long that’s going to take her. And whenever she figures out whatever she needs to figure out, will she come to me? Due to my graduating from college we are going to be in the same city over the summer, but then after that she will move away, so that would make it even harder for us to be in a relationship. But this girl is special. She is different. She means a lot to me, and I do not want to lose her again. I don’t know if she realizes or appreciates just what I would do for her.

What do I want to do? I want to somehow convince her that what she needed all along was me. I want to help her through whatever relationship issues that she might have so that we can be together and use the time that we will have this summer to its fullest extent. But I guess what I really want is for her to be just be happy. That might be the hardest part of it all. We both have so much for each other… I am certain that we can make each other happy; I just don’t know what to do. I really want to go back to the beginning again, have a restart of this second time – a second chance. I would be there when she wants me, to comfort and hold and listen to her, but I wouldn’t be over burdensome with my attempts at having her become my girlfriend… that was so silly… I’m slightly disgusted at myself now; I can’t believe I messed up such a chance because I was too overzealous.